I’M ONLY A GOOD DADDY BECAUSE YOUR MOMMY DIED is Michael Schwartz's memoir of survival during the first two years after his wife passed away. Going through despair and guilt from being the surviving parent, he moved into a space of caring for himself again as a way of setting an example for his daughter. Some of these sections are hauntingly beautiful. His realization, for example, that teaching his daughter to kiss an image of Mommy might not help her because Mommy wouldn't love her back conveys his journey away from the past and into the present.
Ultimately, he shares a story of healing, of loving, and of learning to trust himself as a parent (given how his wife had taken on the role of primary caregiver). He also learns to enjoy himself again, even though it can be painful to admit. This book is about trusting himself to buy a little girl some clothes, to eat food in front of her even though he feels like starving himself, and to show her what self-care looks like. Each new insight is mapped out in the form of a letter to his daughter (or sometimes his wife).
Losing a loved one is a shock, and Schwartz takes the reader through various stages of loss: being unable to look after his baby daughter (she had her grandparents looking after her); acknowledging that his wife might not have been perfect; recognizing that letting go of grief doesn't mean letting go of love. From moments when he needs his daughter to be like her mommy to times when he recognizes he can pick out her clothes, I’M ONLY A GOOD DADDY BECAUSE YOUR MOMMY DIED shows how life can come together (and even improve in some ways) after a tragic loss.
Like all trauma stories, this can be painful to read. Schwartz's text is emotional. For those who have experienced loss and pain, it's a mirror that offers hope from someone further along the journey that, one day, it does get better. Though the text is alive, it’s also reflexive, and Schwartz never expects the reader to hold his pain. It may be intense for people who haven’t survived trauma, but it makes an excellent read for those who don't know what to say to someone who has.
Michael Schwartz's I'M ONLY A GOOD DADDY BECAUSE YOUR MOMMY DIED offers trauma survivors a light to shine through the darkness. It movingly demonstrates that, no matter how sudden and tragic the loss, healing does happen.
~ Nicci Attfield for IndieReader