An Open Letter to George Takei


Dear George Takei,

May the force be with you! Ha ha I’m being ironic. Heard you might be in need of a new joke writer, now that your other guy’s spilled the beans that you’re not funny. I would like the position.

Beyond Star Wars/Star Trek ironic confusion jokes, I can make Star Trek jokes, William Shatner jokes, gay jokes, Japanese jokes, Facebook jokes, Gay Japanese William Shatner jokes (A gay Japanese William Shatner walks into a bar, and a guy at the bar says “Hey, is that gay Japanese William Shatner? What an asshole!”). Heck, I can even make jokes about SHARP Quattron quad pixel technology!

When they asked you why you had a guy ghostwriting jokes for your Facebook page, I’d have had you say, “You know who else has joke writers? Jay Leno. The question is: why does he pay them?” Maybe Leno’s guys aren’t getting that sweet ten bucks a pop, but that’s another matter. Why you would have had me as your joke writer to address the issue of you having that other joke writer is a paradox I cannot address.

When they asked you whether it was all right that the new Sulu is being played by a Korean instead of a Japanese guy, I would have had you say, “As long as John Cho is gay, I’m all for it.” Or, “My question is, why isn’t Kirk Asian?” Or, “Hey, if Ricardo Montalbán can be played by a pasty Englishman, anything goes in this alternate Star Trek universe.”

While I’m dispensing spoilers (I’m assuming you’ve seen the new movie. They give you guys free passes or something, right?), I’ve got more new Sulu bits. For instance, “How come Sulu doesn’t do a damn thing in this movie? I mean, you’ve got Uhura, the frigging receptionist, beaming down and taking potshots at Khan, and all Sulu does is sit on the bridge. Maybe if Sulu beamed down, whipping out that light sabre, the last third of the movie wouldn’t have sucked so badly.” Also, “Why, when Spock is about to blow up the Enterprise, is Sulu so god-awful ready to die with him? How can he speak for everybody on the bridge? Personally, I think pointlessly joining someone in death should be a personal decision. Why do they suddenly need seat belts, and why do the seatbelts look so fake? Did the Syfy network suddenly take over the special effects?” You could also say, “If Sulu’s just going to just sit on the bridge, why are there twelve other people sitting around doing nothing? I guess they felt they had to hit all the demographics. There’s the blond chick, the alien chick, and even someone who looks like she’s over thirty!”

Mr. Takei, I don’t care if you’re hiring professionals to jazz up your online persona. Most people use unpaid interns for that. You’re still the coolest original Star Trek cast member. You came out when it was still controversial for twenty-third-century Asian-Americans to be gay, and you were savvy enough to realize early on that generating publicity through Facebook could land you sweet gigs such as that SHARP Quatron commercial.  So don’t let the haters bring you down.

Okay: Here’s my SHARP Quatron joke: How many SHARP Quatron television sets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ANSWER: SHARP Quatron television sets don’t use lightbulbs, they use an array of microfilaments to give you the brightest, clearest picture possible. It’s not funny, but it could help sell some TVs. Just like you!

I include my resume and look forward to discussing this position with you in person.

Live Long and Prosper,

Dan Kilian’s professional ghostwriter (Name withheld, because I’m a professional!)

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