Fantastic Isn’t Fantastic Enough, So Let’s Make It Suck

The leather-clad heroes pose with rifle and crossbow in front of some old scenery from the first Narnia film, because nothing’s edgier than leather, and nothing’s more exciting than snow.

The leather and weapons hearken back to the cinematic glory that was Van Helsing, and the casting suggests that Jeremy Renner is still squandering the goodwill he gained with The Hurt Locker in mad pursuit of a ridiculous action franchise and that they couldn’t get  Kate Beckinsale. In her place is Bond girl Gemma Arterton, who, my research reveals, reportedly was born with extra fingers, which has nothing to do with anything but is cool to know.

This is the poster for Hansel and Gretel, Witch Hunters. This follows 2011’s Red Riding Hood and probably something equally stupid in 2012 (Oh yes, Snow White and the Huntsman. Snow!) to continue Hollywood’s plan to deconstruct every story children ever used to love for the sake of…spinning their wheels until the next Spiderman reboot? I don’t know why they’re doing it, they just are.

Coming next are Angelina Jolie’s twist on Sleeping Beauty as well as Sean Bean (Eddard Stark in Game of Thrones, Boromir in Lord of the Rings) and Aaron Eckhart (the guy with the huge chin dimple) in Pan. What other childhood treasures will be ruined soon? Behold!

Underchin: Rise of The Porcine

Mankind has been ignorant for years of the secret war between werewolves (the Lychans) and pigs (the Porcine). The wolfmen have, in addition to the usual transformative attributes, amazing breath control. The pigmen have devised a special light body armor derived from brick-firing technology, as well magical chin hairs. So the two subspecies spend two hours shooting at each other. This movie also features an unlikely love story between human Rila Fukushima and pigman Peter Sarsgaard.

Original BGGs: Goatz Gruff

The same damn thing, only it’s an embarrassingly dated “hip-hop” take on the Billy Goats Gruff story, with goats vs. trolls, featuring Keyshia Cole as the sexy goat woman and Lupe Fiasco as a handsome troll.

Ant vs. Grasshopper

Surprisingly, not the same damn thing, but rather a buddy detective story. The uptight ant, played by Ben Stiller, must protect his lifetime scourge, the lackadaisical grasshopper, played by Adrien Brody, when the grasshopper witnesses a horrific crime. After a series of gunfights, car chases and a brutal, bloody climax, the grasshopper finally gets his life under control, while the ant learns to lighten up. Plentiful “grass” jokes.

The Emperor’s New Clothes

Judd Apatow takes a great step backward with this whimsical take on the old tale of royal hubris, featuring far too much full-frontal nudity from Adam Sandler.

The Giving Tree

Shel Silverstein’s beloved allegory of self-sacrifice is given a harrowing, brutal treatment by Lars von Trier, in which every removed limb is shown in sap-dripping detail, and no one is spared the agony felt by this masochistic tree, played, in a heart-rending performance, by Kirsten Dunst, without makeup or costume. In a further cinematic experiment with artistic limitation, von Trier uses no cameras.

Goose

In a dramatic reimagining of “The Goose Who Laid the Golden Egg,” the Goose now lays golden bullets and fights aliens. Also, there’s snow.

2 replies
  1. D. Hart St. Martin
    D. Hart St. Martin says:

    I absolutely agree. These reboots of fairy tales have already grown old and worn. The best of them, “Hook,” was released in the early 90s, and they’ve gone downhill from there. Enough, Hollywood. Move on. There’s got to be some other genre you can suck the life out of.

    Reply

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